Spinster Heroes

Kat Slater

Any list of Spinster heroes wouldn't be complete without a good few eastenders characters, and Kat is one of our personal favs. Described as a 'tart with a heart', in her earlier years she was never seen without a bottle of voddy and several men attached to her arm. Then she met Alfie, and after a drawn out will-they-won't-they storyline, to the populations relief eventually married. Despite settling down, Kat has never lost sight of her spinsterish ways and can be found knocking about the square in enough make up to sink the titanic and what can only be described as a 'minge skimming' excuse for a skirt.

Elizabeth hoover

Miss Hoover ticks every one of the Spinster boxes. After being worn down by years teaching her disinterested pupils, she turns to various vices to see her through the day, clinging helplessly onto the last scraps of her sanity. She has been seen smoking under the ''non-smoking'' sign in the assembly hall, drinking during lunch break and generally seeking any outlet to supress her pain. A true spinster moment was shown as she was seen rushing out of class reciting the lines 'calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean', eyes firmly shut to shield her from her own miserable exsistance. True hero!

Jimmy D (our housemate)

The only male on this list, Jimmy D place defies all logic but if you met him you would understand why it is so well deserved. He may not come armed with a fur coat and a cat but he likes a nice glass of wine and a mince pie in the bath as much as the rest of us. When suffering with 'girl troubles' he takes solace in cake and other baked goods. He is the first one we turn to for wardrobe advice, dutifully reassuring you 'you look lovely' to 10 near identical jackets.

Tracey Emin

Bringing a little culture to our list, artist and winner of the turner prize Tracey Emin seems to bring trouble wherever she goes. Firstly was her piece 'my bed', in which condoms, a pair of stained knickers, fag butts, and empty booze bottles were seen artfully strewn across her unmade bed. Although an otherwise a useless piece of art, it is a rather disturbing reflection into the lives and hygiene prospects of the average Spinster. After receiving her award for the turner prize, Emin attended a live television discussion commending her on her success. In true spinster style, she proceeds to completely embarrass herself whilst under the influence of mass amounts of alcohol. Click on the link below to watch our arty hero at her best :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKNr2LOkXYE

Janet Street Porter

What we love most about our potty-mouthed hero is her 'don't give a fuck attitude' and seemingly endless string of bitterness and resentment. Everytime she opens her nicotine stained mouth you can always count on her for insightful reflections on spinsterdom- ''I've owned more sofas than I've had husbands. Both sag in the end, but I generally fall out of love with the furniture quicker than the men''. Her style ' Sometimes I've looked at a plate of food and wondered if it wouldn't look better as a hat' is again something to be admired. Despite all this, she has still managed to clock up an impressive 4 husbands, although we secretly suspect she has more affiliation with a glass of wine and a few cats.

Shirley Carter

 Shirley Carter is something of a hard-boiled egg (hard on the outside and soft on the inside) and thats why we love her. She marches round the square searching for her crack head husband, with a face like thunder and her fur coat swinging behind her in the manner of Darth Vader's evil counterpart. She'll give you a cuddle as readily as she will force your head into a deep fat fryer. What a woman!

Carol Mcgiffin

 Carol Mcgiffin is the much loved hero of 'loose women', the talk show that discusses 'topical issues' (sex and man hating). Poor Carol famously went for the whole of SEVEN YEARS without so much as a quick fondle in her local boozer. However, this allowed her plenty of time for ''Slobbing about, going for walks, reading, lying around, watching crap TV'', activities that are much acquainted with the spinster lifestyle. Impressively, Carol managed to bag herself a man no less than 22 years her junior. And good on her we say!

Elizabeth Taylor

 We write this in sad dedication to our recently deceased spinster. Taylor was married eight times to no less than seven husbands. Thats impressive by anyones standards. When asked why she married so often, she replied "I don't know, honey. It sure beats the hell out of me.' No wiser words have ever been spoken.