The Spinsters Guide to Internet Dating

We’re here to be the deliverers of some exciting news- the cattle market that is internet dating is no longer restricted to world of war craft super geeks and desperate serial killers but is fast becoming an acceptable part of 21^st century singledom. Never the less, have your wits about you- no one want to end up with their body parts nestling against the frozen peas and the microwave pizzas.

First things first- what sites are legit? A word of advice, avoid any sites that sell themselves specifically as an ‘adult’ dating site. Sites like these might result in a hairy stranger flopping out his man parts over webcam, which may be alright for some but hardly encouraging in the quest for long lasting romance. As proud owners of dating profiles on two separate websites (we prefer the term open minded to desperate) our personal recommendations would be match.com or plentyoffish.com.

The two most important things about internet dating are profile picture and name, in that order. Shallow perhaps but no one wants a date that closely resembles the more attractive features of the back of a spoon. When creating a profile try to avoid names such as hotbabe39 or bigtits4u- it’s never going to work in your favour unless you’re a fan of the aforementioned wanker-webcam types.  Something to remember when browsing the profile pictures of various suitors is that the men in question, or women for that matter, will have always carefully selected their 3 or 4 most flattering photos pre-beer belly and pre-receding hairline. So if they look a little hit or miss in their picture no doubt the real life version will be all the more terrifying.

The idea for smart internet dating is to always be reading between the lines. Here are a few things that should ring some alarm bells…’Body Image’ for starters. A cruel category but unavoidable nonetheless. We’re not ones to judge but if you’re not a chubby chaser or a skinny basher then ‘prefer not to say’ means fat bastard or stage 5 eating disorder. Another one to avoid is anyone who describes themselves as 'bubbly'-it reeks of overweight spotty girl falling out of a club in Leeds clutching her shoes and a penis straw.

Hobbies and interests are always hard to feign and on a dating website it’s even less acceptable to admit to Friday night curries and sex and the city marathons. To the Spinsters no doubt the ‘Sports’ section will prove to be the particularly challenging category. Everyone, I repeat everyone, will have checked off skiing and perhaps cycling at a push. They may have once gone on a 4 day skiing school trip ten years back and since developed a fear of heights, but otherwise you can pretty much guarantee their fitness levels are of that of a 10 a day geriatric, and the thought of getting off the sofa sends them into cardiac arrest. Speaking of ten a day, if they say they smoke ‘occasionally’ that’s the figures you’ll be looking at.

Your nose will soon become fine-tuned to sniffing out the pungent whiffs of desperation. People who have read your profile will message you pointing out your startling number of shared interests. You like to sit in Greenwich park? I love parks! Your Italian? Meatballs are my fav! You like working with people with disabilities? I’m disabled! And so on.

Beware of ‘high subscription’ users- broken down, this means that it allows you to contact them for free without having your own subscription. In other words, due to some unforeseen personality flaw or physical affliction they need to maximise the chances of someone (anyone) talking to them.

So, after all that, if you think you can handle the challenge then by all means go for it. Be safe and have some fun!!

Spinster Heroes

Kat Slater

Any list of Spinster heroes wouldn't be complete without a good few eastenders characters, and Kat is one of our personal favs. Described as a 'tart with a heart', in her earlier years she was never seen without a bottle of voddy and several men attached to her arm. Then she met Alfie, and after a drawn out will-they-won't-they storyline, to the populations relief eventually married. Despite settling down, Kat has never lost sight of her spinsterish ways and can be found knocking about the square in enough make up to sink the titanic and what can only be described as a 'minge skimming' excuse for a skirt.

Elizabeth hoover

Miss Hoover ticks every one of the Spinster boxes. After being worn down by years teaching her disinterested pupils, she turns to various vices to see her through the day, clinging helplessly onto the last scraps of her sanity. She has been seen smoking under the ''non-smoking'' sign in the assembly hall, drinking during lunch break and generally seeking any outlet to supress her pain. A true spinster moment was shown as she was seen rushing out of class reciting the lines 'calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean', eyes firmly shut to shield her from her own miserable exsistance. True hero!

Jimmy D (our housemate)

The only male on this list, Jimmy D place defies all logic but if you met him you would understand why it is so well deserved. He may not come armed with a fur coat and a cat but he likes a nice glass of wine and a mince pie in the bath as much as the rest of us. When suffering with 'girl troubles' he takes solace in cake and other baked goods. He is the first one we turn to for wardrobe advice, dutifully reassuring you 'you look lovely' to 10 near identical jackets.

Tracey Emin

Bringing a little culture to our list, artist and winner of the turner prize Tracey Emin seems to bring trouble wherever she goes. Firstly was her piece 'my bed', in which condoms, a pair of stained knickers, fag butts, and empty booze bottles were seen artfully strewn across her unmade bed. Although an otherwise a useless piece of art, it is a rather disturbing reflection into the lives and hygiene prospects of the average Spinster. After receiving her award for the turner prize, Emin attended a live television discussion commending her on her success. In true spinster style, she proceeds to completely embarrass herself whilst under the influence of mass amounts of alcohol. Click on the link below to watch our arty hero at her best :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKNr2LOkXYE

Janet Street Porter

What we love most about our potty-mouthed hero is her 'don't give a fuck attitude' and seemingly endless string of bitterness and resentment. Everytime she opens her nicotine stained mouth you can always count on her for insightful reflections on spinsterdom- ''I've owned more sofas than I've had husbands. Both sag in the end, but I generally fall out of love with the furniture quicker than the men''. Her style ' Sometimes I've looked at a plate of food and wondered if it wouldn't look better as a hat' is again something to be admired. Despite all this, she has still managed to clock up an impressive 4 husbands, although we secretly suspect she has more affiliation with a glass of wine and a few cats.

Shirley Carter

 Shirley Carter is something of a hard-boiled egg (hard on the outside and soft on the inside) and thats why we love her. She marches round the square searching for her crack head husband, with a face like thunder and her fur coat swinging behind her in the manner of Darth Vader's evil counterpart. She'll give you a cuddle as readily as she will force your head into a deep fat fryer. What a woman!

Carol Mcgiffin

 Carol Mcgiffin is the much loved hero of 'loose women', the talk show that discusses 'topical issues' (sex and man hating). Poor Carol famously went for the whole of SEVEN YEARS without so much as a quick fondle in her local boozer. However, this allowed her plenty of time for ''Slobbing about, going for walks, reading, lying around, watching crap TV'', activities that are much acquainted with the spinster lifestyle. Impressively, Carol managed to bag herself a man no less than 22 years her junior. And good on her we say!

Elizabeth Taylor

 We write this in sad dedication to our recently deceased spinster. Taylor was married eight times to no less than seven husbands. Thats impressive by anyones standards. When asked why she married so often, she replied "I don't know, honey. It sure beats the hell out of me.' No wiser words have ever been spoken.

Spinster's Guide to Surviving the Hangover Cringe

Prawn Shame

Today you are hearing from just one of your spinsters (Rosie), as Lauren has deserted me in favour of getting hopefully not quite as drunk as I was last night. I write this in the midst of one of my worst hangovers to date, possibly to remind myself that drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels  and countless swigs of el vino from a watering can isn't the greatest idea. I smell of what can only be described as cat piss ( I'm hoping this is just the odour of fermenting cider seeping from my underarms, rather than the former suggestion). I am missing my shoes. I have the remnants of 'i love charlotte' written on my face with god only knows what and crusting mascara is smeared down my cheek. My first thought is- good night. This is until my friends mum, who so kindly allowed us to stay, angrily informs my friend and I that a window has been broken, food has been smeared and thrown in various locations throughout the house and even more impressively someone has launched a prawn salad missile through said window and into the garden. This should be the moment when I tell you it all came flooding back to me, but alas, the dark void of last nights events offer no answers. Que the hangover cringe. Sometimes what you don't know don't hurt you but in the case of the hangover, memories of last nights events are needed to allow you to mourn that last scrap of dignity that you just lost. As we stumbled in the direction of a milkshake cafe and slow moving slugs and geriatrics overtook us, we attempted to piece together the hazy events of last night to little avail. What we did establish however, that despite being unsure of quite how the packet of croutons ended up stuffed behind a computer and why what appears to be mayonnaise is artfully smeared over the broken window that honesty was the best policy. Although your first reaction may be to DENY DENY DENY (we attempted to blame it all on my friends younger brother before realising he was already sleeping on our return) you will only dig your already spacious grave a little deeper. 

The 'dafadildo'

The second rule of surviving the rocky road of the hangover shame is to stay armed with as many soft drinks as physically possible.Your mouth will undoubtably taste like the cross between a spinster's ashtray and a dogs foot, meaning if your anything like us and think packing toothbrushes in your overnight bag is for pussies   an alternative is needed. Ditch the diet coke and stick to its fuller fat friend for a sugary pick me up, and if keeping down solids is proving an issue drink copious amounts of smoothies and milkshakes for a more filling option. Post copious e-number laden confectionary you should b on your way to a more speedy recovery, allowing you to face apologies to the birthday girl for exposing her five year old brother to 'cock trumps' and a world of 'meateors' and 'acorns'. 

A Spinster will never tell you to behave sensibly or to compromise on your 'happy-go-lucky' approach to drinking, buts its probably best not to start off the night on the train swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and chatting excitedly about how you can't wait to be vomiting neat vodka in the toilet bowl the following morning. And a word of advice- don't hide dildo's in flowerpots. 

How to Survive University Spinster Style

Megavideo

Megavideo will both ruin your life and enhance your university experience simultaneously. Picture the scene- you have a free day ahead of you, no lectures, no seminars and a to-do list of all the wonderful constructive things you plan to achieve. And then you go on the internet. In the age of technology nothing has proved quite as damaging as Megavideo. Jeremy Kyle only airs for a precious hour (Itv , 9.25am) each day but Megavideo is a constant unwavering threat to your productivity. Seemingly endless episodes of trashy American television can be available to you at the guilty click of a button. Once you’ve entirely given up hope of work and have resigned yourself to being a total and utter bum, the heartstopping message will appear on your screen ‘you now watched 72 minutes of megavideo. Sign up here or wait for another 30 minutes to continue watching’. Now usually we wouldn’t advise you to make internet transactions with less than legit and possibly not legal sites, but in this case we’re going to. The spinster cannot go without unlimited access to some of the best and most stimulating documentaries out there. We will argue that The Hills is an anthropological exploration of the human condition until we’re blue in the face. And at 9.99 dollar a month premium subscription who can argue with us?

Supermarkets

As we may have mentioned in an earlier blog, the spinster has an amazing ability to conjure up money for the important things in life in times of hardship, which is why we found the transition into Uni life such a breeze. We will never be with our Richmond Menthols, heat magazine or rip off Iceland brand WKD.  Once you become a student your relationship with supermarkets will never be quite the same. You can ditch your taste for Waitrose humus and Mark and Spenscer’s oven meals forever. Rosie still remembers her first trip to Asda with fondness (she comes from a vaguely middle class area where Tesco’s and Sainsbury’s prevail all). The excitement of finding a kettle for a fiver was something she should definitely be keeping to herself. But for the sake of this blog we will tell you now- drop your supermarket snobberies and save your pennies.

Style

The title of this blog is rather ironic, considering the student, in particular the Spinster student, possesses less than a little of this. Walk past any student facility and be faced with an array of stupid headwear that even your pervy uncle Roger wouldn’t be caught dead in. The spinster may prefer the hat that may appear to be associated with the Russian mafia: furry and with flaps. Whilst maintaining a sense of style you simultaneously manage to conceal as much of the head as possible all short of wearing a balaclava. The genius idea behind obsessive hat wearing is to disguise the always present and ever growing issue of the’ student’ hair. You will find that the minute you become a student you will somehow forget that hairdressers even exist and that there never seems to be one that won’t charge you less than 50 quid for a simple cut and blow.

The lumberjack shirt is another student/spinster staple. Found in any charity shop or high street chain, the commonly known as ‘man shirt’ will provide you with comfort and room for your expanding student waistline. It can be worn over leggings when your jeans smell so bad they could go to Uni for you.  On this note, practically anything of comfort is popular with the Student : Hoodies, Onesies, you name it, our wardrobe will be crammed with it. Things that should never be worn past the front door soon become perfectly acceptable ‘I’m just popping to the corner shop for diet coke and fags’ wear. Last but not least, buy yourself a pair of sunglasses. They don’t need to be pricey because no doubt you will be sitting on them after one glass too many. But when the morning after shame has arrived you will be oh-so-grateful to your sunglasses for shading you from the glaring reality of last night’s cringe.

Diet

Again slightly ironic, as being a student means you can throw any hope of achieving the 5-a-day rule out the window. 5-a-day swiftly becomes more about how many Super noodles you can buy for a fiver than how many broccoli’s you can consume. You will soon learn that anything anytime goes. Your immune system will build up barriers stronger than Britney Spears’ chasity belt. However, every student has their personalised combination of hangover food to get them through the hard times- we would recommend orange juice, milkshakes and fry up in copious amounts. This is the one time when the budget can be scrapped in favour of carbohydrate binging.

Sex

Most Spinsters turn up at Uni fresh faced and optimistic, telling her new friends how she really sees her relationship going the distance and lasting the trails and tribulations of university life. 5 minutes into freshers and she’s sucked off half the pub. But don’t fret, after freshers the numbers of intoxicated men throwing themselves at your feet will dissolve almost as quickly your morals. If you’re anything like our fellow spinster Jim, you may shudder at the memory of the ill-advised romp with your stalker.  The student spinster can be sure to spend the rest of her student days reminiscing over the quick pound a pint night fondle. But as we will say time and time again, megavideo is the unsung hero of student spinster life.  All you really need keep your bed cosy at night is the radiating warmth from your overheating laptop.

Read our friend Jim's blog! He's a Spinster, you'll like him

http://jimbobdriver.blogspot.com/2011/03/5p-bag.html

Mr Good Enough for us

You are probably not alone in growing up with all the hopeful expectations of the disney version of love- fireworks, roses and well timed spaghetti eating. But if your anything like us the idea of Mr Right  will make you gag into your late night Ben and Jerry's binge and make a fearful rush for the toilet. It seems that trading in your great expectations for access to free lifts in their less than glamourous nissan micra may have its benefits. We should stop being so hard on ourselves and, as spinsters, accept that in this instance less may really be more.  You maybe be accused by your green eyed friends, who aren't having sex on tap and getting free food (going to dinner) of being a cold hearted user but to us it seems like a fair exchange. So as long as neither party expects anything more than dinner, great sex and a movie at a push then no hearts will be broken. Although right now he fits into your life like a fur coat on a cold night he may be easily exchanged for the slightly more daring little black dress when you:

a) go to university

b) move out of home

c) get a real job

d) get a new job

e) all of the above

Of course the major benefits of working your way a whole line of Mr. Right now's is that it eliminates the bad eggs for when you finally come across your perfect egg (fried on toast with a dash of ketchup if you were wondering). Theres nothing wrong with kissing a few frogs before you meet your slightly overweight but well meaning prince. His armour may not be shining but he'll do. And so appears the concept of 'Mr Good Enough'. Did you really think you would be able to find emotional stability, financial success, intelligence, charisma and maturity all in one tidy, nice-smelling package? Reality check: this is not La Senza. Your smalls won't come in pink packaging with nice smelling balls inside (excuse the pun). You gotta be prepared to settle for a little bit of a beast when, lets face it, you were never really the beauty. 

The advantages of dating a Spinster.

Our faithful hound (otherwise known as Rosie's boyfriend) suggested we should write this article, presumably implying that dating a spinster was less than preferable. Challenge set- we're here to prove that dating a Spinster is every lads wet dream, they just don't know it yet. 

Firstly, were extremely easy to please- no fine dining or trip to the opera for us. A bag of chips and if your paying a nice battered sausage thanks and we're as happy as pigs in you-know-what. The Spinster is happy with a night curled up in front of the telly, so you can save your cash for that new x-box game or million gigabit ipod you've had your eye on. 

On those rare occasions that the Spinster does decide enough is enough and plucks up the motivation to leave the house, its likely she can drink most men under the table, thus impressing your mates and allowing you to spend even more time with your loved one without the accusation of being whipped.

The Spinster has low hygiene expectations- its cool for you to pick your nose and wear an egg stained fleece so long as she can. She won't nag you about the washing up or pubes on the soap, as long as she's left to steal your razor and pick her toenails in peace.

The disadvantages are slim, but you may find yourself fighting for your space in bed with her overindulged cat and watching a little more Sex and the City  than whats ideal. But as long as she doesn't mind you admiring Charlotte's 'nice eyes' and giving the cat the odd kick when you think she's not looking then you and your Spinster can indeed live in blissful marital harmony.