Spinster Heroes

Kat Slater

Any list of Spinster heroes wouldn't be complete without a good few eastenders characters, and Kat is one of our personal favs. Described as a 'tart with a heart', in her earlier years she was never seen without a bottle of voddy and several men attached to her arm. Then she met Alfie, and after a drawn out will-they-won't-they storyline, to the populations relief eventually married. Despite settling down, Kat has never lost sight of her spinsterish ways and can be found knocking about the square in enough make up to sink the titanic and what can only be described as a 'minge skimming' excuse for a skirt.

Elizabeth hoover

Miss Hoover ticks every one of the Spinster boxes. After being worn down by years teaching her disinterested pupils, she turns to various vices to see her through the day, clinging helplessly onto the last scraps of her sanity. She has been seen smoking under the ''non-smoking'' sign in the assembly hall, drinking during lunch break and generally seeking any outlet to supress her pain. A true spinster moment was shown as she was seen rushing out of class reciting the lines 'calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean', eyes firmly shut to shield her from her own miserable exsistance. True hero!

Jimmy D (our housemate)

The only male on this list, Jimmy D place defies all logic but if you met him you would understand why it is so well deserved. He may not come armed with a fur coat and a cat but he likes a nice glass of wine and a mince pie in the bath as much as the rest of us. When suffering with 'girl troubles' he takes solace in cake and other baked goods. He is the first one we turn to for wardrobe advice, dutifully reassuring you 'you look lovely' to 10 near identical jackets.

Tracey Emin

Bringing a little culture to our list, artist and winner of the turner prize Tracey Emin seems to bring trouble wherever she goes. Firstly was her piece 'my bed', in which condoms, a pair of stained knickers, fag butts, and empty booze bottles were seen artfully strewn across her unmade bed. Although an otherwise a useless piece of art, it is a rather disturbing reflection into the lives and hygiene prospects of the average Spinster. After receiving her award for the turner prize, Emin attended a live television discussion commending her on her success. In true spinster style, she proceeds to completely embarrass herself whilst under the influence of mass amounts of alcohol. Click on the link below to watch our arty hero at her best :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKNr2LOkXYE

Janet Street Porter

What we love most about our potty-mouthed hero is her 'don't give a fuck attitude' and seemingly endless string of bitterness and resentment. Everytime she opens her nicotine stained mouth you can always count on her for insightful reflections on spinsterdom- ''I've owned more sofas than I've had husbands. Both sag in the end, but I generally fall out of love with the furniture quicker than the men''. Her style ' Sometimes I've looked at a plate of food and wondered if it wouldn't look better as a hat' is again something to be admired. Despite all this, she has still managed to clock up an impressive 4 husbands, although we secretly suspect she has more affiliation with a glass of wine and a few cats.

Shirley Carter

 Shirley Carter is something of a hard-boiled egg (hard on the outside and soft on the inside) and thats why we love her. She marches round the square searching for her crack head husband, with a face like thunder and her fur coat swinging behind her in the manner of Darth Vader's evil counterpart. She'll give you a cuddle as readily as she will force your head into a deep fat fryer. What a woman!

Carol Mcgiffin

 Carol Mcgiffin is the much loved hero of 'loose women', the talk show that discusses 'topical issues' (sex and man hating). Poor Carol famously went for the whole of SEVEN YEARS without so much as a quick fondle in her local boozer. However, this allowed her plenty of time for ''Slobbing about, going for walks, reading, lying around, watching crap TV'', activities that are much acquainted with the spinster lifestyle. Impressively, Carol managed to bag herself a man no less than 22 years her junior. And good on her we say!

Elizabeth Taylor

 We write this in sad dedication to our recently deceased spinster. Taylor was married eight times to no less than seven husbands. Thats impressive by anyones standards. When asked why she married so often, she replied "I don't know, honey. It sure beats the hell out of me.' No wiser words have ever been spoken.

Spinster's Guide to Surviving the Hangover Cringe

Prawn Shame

Today you are hearing from just one of your spinsters (Rosie), as Lauren has deserted me in favour of getting hopefully not quite as drunk as I was last night. I write this in the midst of one of my worst hangovers to date, possibly to remind myself that drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels  and countless swigs of el vino from a watering can isn't the greatest idea. I smell of what can only be described as cat piss ( I'm hoping this is just the odour of fermenting cider seeping from my underarms, rather than the former suggestion). I am missing my shoes. I have the remnants of 'i love charlotte' written on my face with god only knows what and crusting mascara is smeared down my cheek. My first thought is- good night. This is until my friends mum, who so kindly allowed us to stay, angrily informs my friend and I that a window has been broken, food has been smeared and thrown in various locations throughout the house and even more impressively someone has launched a prawn salad missile through said window and into the garden. This should be the moment when I tell you it all came flooding back to me, but alas, the dark void of last nights events offer no answers. Que the hangover cringe. Sometimes what you don't know don't hurt you but in the case of the hangover, memories of last nights events are needed to allow you to mourn that last scrap of dignity that you just lost. As we stumbled in the direction of a milkshake cafe and slow moving slugs and geriatrics overtook us, we attempted to piece together the hazy events of last night to little avail. What we did establish however, that despite being unsure of quite how the packet of croutons ended up stuffed behind a computer and why what appears to be mayonnaise is artfully smeared over the broken window that honesty was the best policy. Although your first reaction may be to DENY DENY DENY (we attempted to blame it all on my friends younger brother before realising he was already sleeping on our return) you will only dig your already spacious grave a little deeper. 

The 'dafadildo'

The second rule of surviving the rocky road of the hangover shame is to stay armed with as many soft drinks as physically possible.Your mouth will undoubtably taste like the cross between a spinster's ashtray and a dogs foot, meaning if your anything like us and think packing toothbrushes in your overnight bag is for pussies   an alternative is needed. Ditch the diet coke and stick to its fuller fat friend for a sugary pick me up, and if keeping down solids is proving an issue drink copious amounts of smoothies and milkshakes for a more filling option. Post copious e-number laden confectionary you should b on your way to a more speedy recovery, allowing you to face apologies to the birthday girl for exposing her five year old brother to 'cock trumps' and a world of 'meateors' and 'acorns'. 

A Spinster will never tell you to behave sensibly or to compromise on your 'happy-go-lucky' approach to drinking, buts its probably best not to start off the night on the train swigging Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and chatting excitedly about how you can't wait to be vomiting neat vodka in the toilet bowl the following morning. And a word of advice- don't hide dildo's in flowerpots. 

How to Survive University Spinster Style

Megavideo

Megavideo will both ruin your life and enhance your university experience simultaneously. Picture the scene- you have a free day ahead of you, no lectures, no seminars and a to-do list of all the wonderful constructive things you plan to achieve. And then you go on the internet. In the age of technology nothing has proved quite as damaging as Megavideo. Jeremy Kyle only airs for a precious hour (Itv , 9.25am) each day but Megavideo is a constant unwavering threat to your productivity. Seemingly endless episodes of trashy American television can be available to you at the guilty click of a button. Once you’ve entirely given up hope of work and have resigned yourself to being a total and utter bum, the heartstopping message will appear on your screen ‘you now watched 72 minutes of megavideo. Sign up here or wait for another 30 minutes to continue watching’. Now usually we wouldn’t advise you to make internet transactions with less than legit and possibly not legal sites, but in this case we’re going to. The spinster cannot go without unlimited access to some of the best and most stimulating documentaries out there. We will argue that The Hills is an anthropological exploration of the human condition until we’re blue in the face. And at 9.99 dollar a month premium subscription who can argue with us?

Supermarkets

As we may have mentioned in an earlier blog, the spinster has an amazing ability to conjure up money for the important things in life in times of hardship, which is why we found the transition into Uni life such a breeze. We will never be with our Richmond Menthols, heat magazine or rip off Iceland brand WKD.  Once you become a student your relationship with supermarkets will never be quite the same. You can ditch your taste for Waitrose humus and Mark and Spenscer’s oven meals forever. Rosie still remembers her first trip to Asda with fondness (she comes from a vaguely middle class area where Tesco’s and Sainsbury’s prevail all). The excitement of finding a kettle for a fiver was something she should definitely be keeping to herself. But for the sake of this blog we will tell you now- drop your supermarket snobberies and save your pennies.

Style

The title of this blog is rather ironic, considering the student, in particular the Spinster student, possesses less than a little of this. Walk past any student facility and be faced with an array of stupid headwear that even your pervy uncle Roger wouldn’t be caught dead in. The spinster may prefer the hat that may appear to be associated with the Russian mafia: furry and with flaps. Whilst maintaining a sense of style you simultaneously manage to conceal as much of the head as possible all short of wearing a balaclava. The genius idea behind obsessive hat wearing is to disguise the always present and ever growing issue of the’ student’ hair. You will find that the minute you become a student you will somehow forget that hairdressers even exist and that there never seems to be one that won’t charge you less than 50 quid for a simple cut and blow.

The lumberjack shirt is another student/spinster staple. Found in any charity shop or high street chain, the commonly known as ‘man shirt’ will provide you with comfort and room for your expanding student waistline. It can be worn over leggings when your jeans smell so bad they could go to Uni for you.  On this note, practically anything of comfort is popular with the Student : Hoodies, Onesies, you name it, our wardrobe will be crammed with it. Things that should never be worn past the front door soon become perfectly acceptable ‘I’m just popping to the corner shop for diet coke and fags’ wear. Last but not least, buy yourself a pair of sunglasses. They don’t need to be pricey because no doubt you will be sitting on them after one glass too many. But when the morning after shame has arrived you will be oh-so-grateful to your sunglasses for shading you from the glaring reality of last night’s cringe.

Diet

Again slightly ironic, as being a student means you can throw any hope of achieving the 5-a-day rule out the window. 5-a-day swiftly becomes more about how many Super noodles you can buy for a fiver than how many broccoli’s you can consume. You will soon learn that anything anytime goes. Your immune system will build up barriers stronger than Britney Spears’ chasity belt. However, every student has their personalised combination of hangover food to get them through the hard times- we would recommend orange juice, milkshakes and fry up in copious amounts. This is the one time when the budget can be scrapped in favour of carbohydrate binging.

Sex

Most Spinsters turn up at Uni fresh faced and optimistic, telling her new friends how she really sees her relationship going the distance and lasting the trails and tribulations of university life. 5 minutes into freshers and she’s sucked off half the pub. But don’t fret, after freshers the numbers of intoxicated men throwing themselves at your feet will dissolve almost as quickly your morals. If you’re anything like our fellow spinster Jim, you may shudder at the memory of the ill-advised romp with your stalker.  The student spinster can be sure to spend the rest of her student days reminiscing over the quick pound a pint night fondle. But as we will say time and time again, megavideo is the unsung hero of student spinster life.  All you really need keep your bed cosy at night is the radiating warmth from your overheating laptop.

Read our friend Jim's blog! He's a Spinster, you'll like him

http://jimbobdriver.blogspot.com/2011/03/5p-bag.html

Mr Good Enough for us

You are probably not alone in growing up with all the hopeful expectations of the disney version of love- fireworks, roses and well timed spaghetti eating. But if your anything like us the idea of Mr Right  will make you gag into your late night Ben and Jerry's binge and make a fearful rush for the toilet. It seems that trading in your great expectations for access to free lifts in their less than glamourous nissan micra may have its benefits. We should stop being so hard on ourselves and, as spinsters, accept that in this instance less may really be more.  You maybe be accused by your green eyed friends, who aren't having sex on tap and getting free food (going to dinner) of being a cold hearted user but to us it seems like a fair exchange. So as long as neither party expects anything more than dinner, great sex and a movie at a push then no hearts will be broken. Although right now he fits into your life like a fur coat on a cold night he may be easily exchanged for the slightly more daring little black dress when you:

a) go to university

b) move out of home

c) get a real job

d) get a new job

e) all of the above

Of course the major benefits of working your way a whole line of Mr. Right now's is that it eliminates the bad eggs for when you finally come across your perfect egg (fried on toast with a dash of ketchup if you were wondering). Theres nothing wrong with kissing a few frogs before you meet your slightly overweight but well meaning prince. His armour may not be shining but he'll do. And so appears the concept of 'Mr Good Enough'. Did you really think you would be able to find emotional stability, financial success, intelligence, charisma and maturity all in one tidy, nice-smelling package? Reality check: this is not La Senza. Your smalls won't come in pink packaging with nice smelling balls inside (excuse the pun). You gotta be prepared to settle for a little bit of a beast when, lets face it, you were never really the beauty. 

The advantages of dating a Spinster.

Our faithful hound (otherwise known as Rosie's boyfriend) suggested we should write this article, presumably implying that dating a spinster was less than preferable. Challenge set- we're here to prove that dating a Spinster is every lads wet dream, they just don't know it yet. 

Firstly, were extremely easy to please- no fine dining or trip to the opera for us. A bag of chips and if your paying a nice battered sausage thanks and we're as happy as pigs in you-know-what. The Spinster is happy with a night curled up in front of the telly, so you can save your cash for that new x-box game or million gigabit ipod you've had your eye on. 

On those rare occasions that the Spinster does decide enough is enough and plucks up the motivation to leave the house, its likely she can drink most men under the table, thus impressing your mates and allowing you to spend even more time with your loved one without the accusation of being whipped.

The Spinster has low hygiene expectations- its cool for you to pick your nose and wear an egg stained fleece so long as she can. She won't nag you about the washing up or pubes on the soap, as long as she's left to steal your razor and pick her toenails in peace.

The disadvantages are slim, but you may find yourself fighting for your space in bed with her overindulged cat and watching a little more Sex and the City  than whats ideal. But as long as she doesn't mind you admiring Charlotte's 'nice eyes' and giving the cat the odd kick when you think she's not looking then you and your Spinster can indeed live in blissful marital harmony. 

How to mend a broken heart- the Spinster way.

We've all been there ladies, thats why we're bitter and badly dressed. You know the drill- its the old time favourite of 'we need to talk' and suddenly you find yourself part of the Bridget Jones club. But, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining, and theres a damn massive lining on this cloud. 

The first port of call when breaking up with your companion, whether they be male or female, is to delete all possible forms of communication. In the modern age of technology, namely Facebook, there are endless possibilities of what you may see as casual 'checking up' but what is actually known as casual stalking. 

Secondly, bring in the horde, ie your faithful female (or male, if you can deal with it) friends for a night of cheap wine and cheap chick flicks. Stock up on the kleenex, as there will be a LOT of bad mouthing in your ex's name, followed by stories of the 'early days' and hysterical sobbing. Once you've eaten and bitched your way out of an extremely dark and brooding hole you may be ready for stage three- the rebound. 

This involves leaving your slippers behind for a night (I know, I know) and filling your boots with a little more el vino. And perhaps some shots. And a few cans. Beer googles firmly on, let your pickled and rose tinted state lead you to the most eligible bachelor in the club, and have him sweep you off your (rather unsteady) feet. The next morning, sure enough you wake up to find a bonefied minger in your bed, be sure to skip the pillow talk and awkwardly lead him to the bus stop with the mumbled explanation of a hair appointment. Hey, at least in your broken hearted state you can write it off as a little life experience. 

We better warn you now, It doesn't matter how luscious or how well kept your locks are, if you've been dumped, they're coming off. No one can explain why but it seems this is an essential part of your initiation into singledom for many Spinsters. You may live to regret it but at the time the exchange of a bare bed for a bare neck feels just so right. The post break up haircut goes hand in hand with the post break up diet. The pounds come off as quickly as your man ran off and the late night chinese is replaced with late night stomach crunches. But don't worry, this brief period of insanity soon lapses back into binging on anything you can lay your hands on. 

After a few weeks of singledom, you may feel the sudden and uncontrollable urge to hack your friends Facebook against their will and check up on your ex-man. Every comment, every photo, every whiff of female presence is analysed and scrutinised until WHAM, you find the evidence you've been searching for. Is that his arm around her? HER? But she's so ugly. And that dress is disgusting. In this time you will need the constant reassurance that you are this bitches CLEAR superior, and he will never be able to replace you with someone like her. 

After the horrible realisation there may actually be a replacement you, its time to move on. Plenty more fish in the sea. 

Requirements of the Budding Spinster..

Hi. We are Lauren and Rosie, and we are Spinsters. Before we begin our blog, we must clarify that to be in Spinster does not require you to be sexless, or even single.In fact, you don't even have to be a female to be a Spinster. The best Spinster we know drinks red wine and eats mincepies in his overflowing bubble bath and is the proud owner of a penis. To be a Spinster is not a case of relationship status, but a lifestyle choice that any of you can buy into. If you have a large telly and a taste of cheese, your halfway there already.

1. A Spinster must, I repeat must, own a fur coat. Spinsters favour practicality over aesthetic, and the fur coat provides both style and warmth to its wearer. Other items of clothing commonly found in the Spinster's overflowing but rarely worn wardrobe may be heavy set leather boots, ex-boyfriends jumpers that you 'resentfully' hold onto but secretly sniff and an array of bad head wear.

2. A Spinster will never be caught without a fag or a glass of bubbly clutched in her ring-less hand. When we say 'bubbly' we are of course referring to the preferred Spinster beverage- Lambrini, or white wine if your feeling decadent.

3. Every monday morning, the Spinster rises with a sense of optimism about her 'new diet'. This usually last until about 11.30 when you find yourself tucking into an early lunch (tactfully naming it brunch in all knowledge you'll be eating again at one) at the local greasy spoon. The Spinster is almost totally incapable of cooking a meal that doesn't contain cheese to excess and at least one type of carb.

4. The spinster gives off the pretence of having a wide and informed vocabulary, but often resorts to excessive profanity in times of stress; 'that bastard!', 'what a cunt!', 'fucking arsehole!' are a few of the endless combinations of insults thrown at the male species. On a bus, on a train, or at your gran's- don't piss off a Spinster 'cos they don't care whose listening.

5. The Spinster is not short of a skill or two, and the ordinary citizen would be amazed at their ability to conjure up money for heat magazine and cigarettes when you barely have two pennies to rub together.

6. It is a well known fact that being a Spinster goes hand in hand with cats. Other animals are acceptable but cats fill the void that the boyfriend leaves- they are cuddly, best at the end of the bed, and sometimes a little smelly around the rear.

7. You must have the middle-aged woman tendancy to find yourself wondering aimlessly through the aisles of Tesco, on a quest for milk and butter but finding yourself loaded with an array of confectionery goods. The average Spinster trolley will contain at least one or more of these items- Ben and Jerrys, Pork Pies, 2 for One Pringle offer, canned soft drinks, and a christmas cheese selection you found rooting around the bargain bucket.

8. Do you all remember the Glade advert, where the glorified Spinster saves the day with her plug in airfresher? Under the threat of visitors the Spinster can always be found in a mad panic,shoving under the sofa the evidence of last nights takeaway and hastily giving the place the once over with the febreeze. The Spinster likes to work on the pretence of organisation, cleanliness and hygiene, but lacks all of these things. She writes at least one 'to do' list per week, fulfilling (n)one of the tasks.

10. Hygiene isn't the only thing that's a front. You must pretend you have an excellent sex life to all your friends, claiming that after trying every position in the Karma Sutra your abstinence is an act of sexual maturity as opposed to I'm-trying-really-hard-but-still-not-getting-any.

 11. The spinster is either stone cold sober or rip roaringly drunk, never tipsy or anywhere in between.
Memory loss as a result of binge drinking is a monthly occurence, as is the morning after send-to-all email apologising for your appalling behaviour. Signs of an intoxicated Spinster includes a back to back need for Richmond Menthols, declarations of undying love and inappropriate groping of your Christian friends, and voice a good few decibels louder than usual. Violence isn't condemned but the occasional face-slap when pissed doesn't phase the Spinster. Us Spinster's stick together, and think nothing of a night shovelling your mates vomit back into the toilet bowl with your bare hands. The measure of a good night out for a Spinster is the amount of half eaten, garlic sauce smothered kebabs found in your bin the morning after.



12. And we come to our final and most important asset to the spinster life style. 6 inches,10 inches, or a whopping 52 inches, ladies this is the one time where size doesn't matter. The TV, The Box, my-new-date- whatever you call it, you gotta have one. Its inevitable that once the Spinster tunes in all that can be heard is the shouting (Eastenders), groaning (Sex and the City) and fighting (Jersey Shore) of endless soaps and reality TV. Entertainment doesn't get much better than this. The spinster will always favour a night in with a family size bar of fruit and nut and scheduled back to back episodes than a night on the tiles. Slippers replace heels and the remote replaces the clutch bag.