Requirements of the Budding Spinster..

Hi. We are Lauren and Rosie, and we are Spinsters. Before we begin our blog, we must clarify that to be in Spinster does not require you to be sexless, or even single.In fact, you don't even have to be a female to be a Spinster. The best Spinster we know drinks red wine and eats mincepies in his overflowing bubble bath and is the proud owner of a penis. To be a Spinster is not a case of relationship status, but a lifestyle choice that any of you can buy into. If you have a large telly and a taste of cheese, your halfway there already.

1. A Spinster must, I repeat must, own a fur coat. Spinsters favour practicality over aesthetic, and the fur coat provides both style and warmth to its wearer. Other items of clothing commonly found in the Spinster's overflowing but rarely worn wardrobe may be heavy set leather boots, ex-boyfriends jumpers that you 'resentfully' hold onto but secretly sniff and an array of bad head wear.

2. A Spinster will never be caught without a fag or a glass of bubbly clutched in her ring-less hand. When we say 'bubbly' we are of course referring to the preferred Spinster beverage- Lambrini, or white wine if your feeling decadent.

3. Every monday morning, the Spinster rises with a sense of optimism about her 'new diet'. This usually last until about 11.30 when you find yourself tucking into an early lunch (tactfully naming it brunch in all knowledge you'll be eating again at one) at the local greasy spoon. The Spinster is almost totally incapable of cooking a meal that doesn't contain cheese to excess and at least one type of carb.

4. The spinster gives off the pretence of having a wide and informed vocabulary, but often resorts to excessive profanity in times of stress; 'that bastard!', 'what a cunt!', 'fucking arsehole!' are a few of the endless combinations of insults thrown at the male species. On a bus, on a train, or at your gran's- don't piss off a Spinster 'cos they don't care whose listening.

5. The Spinster is not short of a skill or two, and the ordinary citizen would be amazed at their ability to conjure up money for heat magazine and cigarettes when you barely have two pennies to rub together.

6. It is a well known fact that being a Spinster goes hand in hand with cats. Other animals are acceptable but cats fill the void that the boyfriend leaves- they are cuddly, best at the end of the bed, and sometimes a little smelly around the rear.

7. You must have the middle-aged woman tendancy to find yourself wondering aimlessly through the aisles of Tesco, on a quest for milk and butter but finding yourself loaded with an array of confectionery goods. The average Spinster trolley will contain at least one or more of these items- Ben and Jerrys, Pork Pies, 2 for One Pringle offer, canned soft drinks, and a christmas cheese selection you found rooting around the bargain bucket.

8. Do you all remember the Glade advert, where the glorified Spinster saves the day with her plug in airfresher? Under the threat of visitors the Spinster can always be found in a mad panic,shoving under the sofa the evidence of last nights takeaway and hastily giving the place the once over with the febreeze. The Spinster likes to work on the pretence of organisation, cleanliness and hygiene, but lacks all of these things. She writes at least one 'to do' list per week, fulfilling (n)one of the tasks.

10. Hygiene isn't the only thing that's a front. You must pretend you have an excellent sex life to all your friends, claiming that after trying every position in the Karma Sutra your abstinence is an act of sexual maturity as opposed to I'm-trying-really-hard-but-still-not-getting-any.

 11. The spinster is either stone cold sober or rip roaringly drunk, never tipsy or anywhere in between.
Memory loss as a result of binge drinking is a monthly occurence, as is the morning after send-to-all email apologising for your appalling behaviour. Signs of an intoxicated Spinster includes a back to back need for Richmond Menthols, declarations of undying love and inappropriate groping of your Christian friends, and voice a good few decibels louder than usual. Violence isn't condemned but the occasional face-slap when pissed doesn't phase the Spinster. Us Spinster's stick together, and think nothing of a night shovelling your mates vomit back into the toilet bowl with your bare hands. The measure of a good night out for a Spinster is the amount of half eaten, garlic sauce smothered kebabs found in your bin the morning after.



12. And we come to our final and most important asset to the spinster life style. 6 inches,10 inches, or a whopping 52 inches, ladies this is the one time where size doesn't matter. The TV, The Box, my-new-date- whatever you call it, you gotta have one. Its inevitable that once the Spinster tunes in all that can be heard is the shouting (Eastenders), groaning (Sex and the City) and fighting (Jersey Shore) of endless soaps and reality TV. Entertainment doesn't get much better than this. The spinster will always favour a night in with a family size bar of fruit and nut and scheduled back to back episodes than a night on the tiles. Slippers replace heels and the remote replaces the clutch bag.