We've all been there ladies, thats why we're bitter and badly dressed. You know the drill- its the old time favourite of 'we need to talk' and suddenly you find yourself part of the Bridget Jones club. But, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining, and theres a damn massive lining on this cloud. The first port of call when breaking up with your companion, whether they be male or female, is to delete all possible forms of communication. In the modern age of technology, namely Facebook, there are endless possibilities of what you may see as casual 'checking up' but what is actually known as casual stalking.
Secondly, bring in the horde, ie your faithful female (or male, if you can deal with it) friends for a night of cheap wine and cheap chick flicks. Stock up on the kleenex, as there will be a LOT of bad mouthing in your ex's name, followed by stories of the 'early days' and hysterical sobbing. Once you've eaten and bitched your way out of an extremely dark and brooding hole you may be ready for stage three- the rebound.
This involves leaving your slippers behind for a night (I know, I know) and filling your boots with a little more el vino. And perhaps some shots. And a few cans. Beer googles firmly on, let your pickled and rose tinted state lead you to the most eligible bachelor in the club, and have him sweep you off your (rather unsteady) feet. The next morning, sure enough you wake up to find a bonefied minger in your bed, be sure to skip the pillow talk and awkwardly lead him to the bus stop with the mumbled explanation of a hair appointment. Hey, at least in your broken hearted state you can write it off as a little life experience.
We better warn you now, It doesn't matter how luscious or how well kept your locks are, if you've been dumped, they're coming off. No one can explain why but it seems this is an essential part of your initiation into singledom for many Spinsters. You may live to regret it but at the time the exchange of a bare bed for a bare neck feels just so right. The post break up haircut goes hand in hand with the post break up diet. The pounds come off as quickly as your man ran off and the late night chinese is replaced with late night stomach crunches. But don't worry, this brief period of insanity soon lapses back into binging on anything you can lay your hands on.
After a few weeks of singledom, you may feel the sudden and uncontrollable urge to hack your friends Facebook against their will and check up on your ex-man. Every comment, every photo, every whiff of female presence is analysed and scrutinised until WHAM, you find the evidence you've been searching for. Is that his arm around her? HER? But she's so ugly. And that dress is disgusting. In this time you will need the constant reassurance that you are this bitches CLEAR superior, and he will never be able to replace you with someone like her.
After the horrible realisation there may actually be a replacement you, its time to move on. Plenty more fish in the sea.
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